Crushing Tall Poppies#6 Gifted Students Develop Asynchronously
“But I am sure the Naval Research Laboratory has a gift shop that sells scanning tunneling microscopes so I can create my own quantum dots with identical, deterministic sizes! Why can’t I have one? Don’t you understand that I need one for my own research?”, screams the 12-year-old gifted child as he falls to the floor in a heap, crying, beating his fists on the floor, and intermittently screaming and then begging for his parents to buy him this highly-specialized and expensive microscope.
This example may seem exaggerated, but is not so far from the reality many families experience when their gifted child is academically light years ahead of his chronological age, but some years behind his same-age peers in emotional maturity. The often-said quip on this is, “I never know which age I’m dealing with at any particular time!” This means that your 12-year-old may have the knowledge of a 25-year-old, but often behaves like an 8-year-old. And you think parenting is tough?
This is asynchronous development. Gifted students often develop emotionally, socially and intellectually asynchronously while their typical peers usually develop evenly in those domains. Ironically, gifted students may appear as small adults because of the advanced knowledge base they have and exhibit, but at the same time, their emotional maturity may be lower than their age-mates. So, although the 13-year-old gifted student in your classroom appears to act just like an 18-year-old, he may have the emotional tolerance of an 8-year-old. Just because they act like an adult does not mean we can expect them to behave like an adult, and we must not treat them as an adult!
Asynchronous development means that a gifted child has the intellectual capacity to understand and synthesize information that usually is many years more advanced than what a typical child of the same chronological age could understand. Yet, their emotional maturity is much less advanced, maybe well-below their chronological age, and they are unable to handle the emotional impact that may be inherent in understanding this advanced information.
What this may look like in a social or educational setting is a child who is obviously extremely intelligent and can hold an advanced, seemingly adult conversation on a topic well above his age. Subsequently, as a parent, teacher or other involved adult, you also come to assume that since this child talks like an adult, he is also emotionally and socially more mature, much like an adult. This cannot be further from the truth! Further, as the adults in a gifted child’s life, we cause significant emotional damage to the gifted child when we hold expectations of their social and emotional behavior relative to their intellectual behavior.
To me, this is the crux in a gifted child’s life that causes the most permanent psychological damage.
Here’s a story I titled “Besides John”:
As a teacher, you have a gifted boy named John in your 4th grade classroom who waves his hand frantically to answer each and every question you ask. You know John has the right answer; he always does. You pass over him every time because you need to give another student a chance to answer. As you see his hand waving like there is an emergency in the back of the class, you may get a bit annoyed and jokingly say something like, “Who else knows the answer …… besides John?”
Right away with that one statement you have singled out this child to his classmates, setting him up for possible rejection or teasing by his peers. To this gifted child, you have just instilled in him a sense of doubt about his ability to be a successful student, and you have now given him a reason to believe he does not fit in ………. he wants to be someone else “besides John….”
John continues his school days now, dumbing down and trying to fit in, which, to you, may look terribly awkward and appear that he is trying too hard to be a normal part of the crowd. In reality, he is trying hard to NOT be the “besides John” who you singled out in class. His grades begin to slip because of his new “someone else besides John” performance; this pretending to be someone he is not takes a lot of effort and is exhausting for him. John manages to get through the day wearing his pretend persona of “someone else besides John”. Once he gets home, or even once he gets in his mom’s car for the drive home, he completely loses it. Tears, frustration, anger and confusion pour out into his total emotional meltdown that lasts for hours. Homework is forgotten and goes undone. Learning is no longer a joy or a priority; reinventing himself as “someone else besides John” becomes the priority leading to his poor performance at school and his failing grades.
As John’s teacher, you know he is gifted, and because of your understanding of gifted children, which is lacking, your expectations for John are, “he’s gifted, he’s smart, so he should be doing much better in school.” Your “diagnosis” of John, given John’s intellectual capacity, is that he is lazy and has poor work ethics. As John’s teacher, you make no bones about your expectations of him. If you expect high performance, your students will rise to the challenge! Then you receive a request from John’s mother for a parent-teacher conference because she is concerned about his poor grades.
As John’s teacher, your goal at this upcoming parent-teacher conference is to prove to his mother that John should be doing better in school. If he would only turn in his homework or complete his classwork, he would have better grades. So, you bring in several of John’s failing test papers to show to make sure his mom understands how John is simply not working up to his capacity.
John’s mother comes to this conference with a heavy heart. She knows her son and because she has had first-hand experience with raising a gifted child, she understands all the ins and outs of giftedness in children. John’s mother is not as concerned about his grades because she knows that unless his emotional issues are addressed, he will never be able to focus on learning. John’s mother portrays a child who is in significant emotional distress which seems to contradict the intellectually-advanced near-adult-like student you see at school. Ha! Now! You immediately figure this situation out: John is lazy and doesn’t care about school, but in order to avoid repercussions from his parents, he pretends to be sad or upset at home. John must be pulling the wool over his parents’ eyes!
And so this parent-teacher conference is fruitless because as John’s teacher, you see an intellectually-advanced gifted student who you know is way too smart to not be successful in school, and way too mature to be acting like the pitiful little child his mother has portrayed. So, you resolve to “set him straight” and “put him in his place”.
John’s mother goes home realizing his teacher and school administrators don’t believe her, and the school refuses to understand the role giftedness plays in a student’s education especially emotionally and socially. John’s mother secures the advice of a psychologist who specializes in gifted children to help advocate for her son at his school, but the school holds firm on their opinion that John brought all of this on himself by not doing his schoolwork, and that giftedness should NOT be keeping him from doing his work. To the contrary, giftedness should be the reason for all of his schoolwork to be exceptional!
And John is caught in the middle and he is overwhelmed with the feeling that he is different, a failure and that it sucks to be gifted. And so the psychological damage is done.
Asynchronous development is the most critical component we should all understand about giftedness.
Just because a gifted child has the intellectual capacity to know all about scanning tunneling microscopes and quantum dots does not mean he has the emotional maturity yet to accept that he cannot have a scanning tunneling microscope.
In my recent blog post A Gifted Child Checklist for Teachers , I listed ten basic characteristics and traits of gifted children. It is a list intended to easily help teachers and others by providing a brief and basic listing of gifted traits and characteristics which aren’t always so well-known, recognized or obvious. I also hoped my checklist would dispel some myths and correct some incorrect information about giftedness. Be sure to follow all the posts in this series!
Is coming up next!
I have to agree that when it comes to emotions, we do develop asynchronously. I was told that the reason i was teased so much was that I got “too emotional”. No matter that I was being teased about my nasal allergies, but I digress.
When it comes to playing with toys, or watching certain television shows, what appears to be asynchronous development may actually be a better appreciation for the toy or the show as we age.
When I was in sixth grade, I knew another guy who collected Matchbox cars, and he had literally hundreds of them. We used to set them up in his front yard. I would decide that since most of the cars had right-hand steering wheels, we should be setting our adventures in the British Isles, and position the cars so it looked like they were driving on the left. But when I tried to talk about the cars with another classmates, he said, “You play with those BABY things?” (Looking back, we could have also set it in Japan, and brought out our Godzilla toys, but I didn’t yet know Japan also drove on the left).
Likewise, I would often watch shows that involved puppetry, because I loved trying to figure out how they staged various scenes. But no matter how many times I tried to explain this, adults would constantly comment, “You’re watching that at your age?”
So, I agree that asynchronous development exists, but we need to seriously consider what is and isn’t actually part of it.
You make a very interesting and valid point. Intense emotions, passions, and sensitivities could all play a role in what we label as asynchronous development.
Thank you, CGB!
I am gifted and in middle school. I know college level things, and can understand very confusing topics. However, I play with toys, don’t have any crushes, have trouble talking to other kids, and don’t care about fitting in. Most kids my age would be the opposite of that. Honestly, I sometimes am glad that I’m a kid longer than others are. It does help that I physically am not going through puberty very quickly. I’m a young 12 in every aspect except for the intellectual one. I luckily have a gifted teacher. She has OCD, ADHD, and anxiety just like I do. Some of the things she says about her childhood hit close to home for me. She’s a great teacher, too, and I always look forward to science with her! I just met her this year, and she’s made sixth grade a lot easier. She knows what I need, and that I’m going to devour whatever we do in class. My other teachers sometimes don’t know what to do with me… Well, I have a best friend who has OCD, and she is a young 12 as well. She has helped me as well. Well, I went off on quite a tangent! 🙂 Anyways, the moral of the story is that asynchronous development isn’t always bad!I
-Toby 😺👍🐕🐈🍀🌈🌺🌝🐎
Hi Toby,
You are so wise for your age! Your insight and your strong sense of self will prove to be such an advantage for you. I’m so impressed with you!
Embrace who you are!
~~Celi
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Oh dear it feels so comforting to read this. I’m in high school right now and in class I was always like John in your story. I don’t understand why so many people think it’s wrong to want to learn. I was used to my peers thinking of me as a know-it-all or teacher’s pet. But what really hurts is that so many adults don’t like smart students either. Even they think I’m showing off when I just want to have a serious conversation about a topic. It’s always: “Stop it, this takes us way too far.” Or: “How do you know this? Did you learn wikipedia by heart? Well i’ve got better things to do” etc etc.
Many people accused me of not having a social life, just because I don’t wanna hang out with people who always make fun of me or pretend to be my friend but actually are totally jealous. My classmates always say that I must spend my whole time studying, because other wise I couldn’t be so smart.
I used to hand in exceptional work, when I was in year nine, my English teacher told me my essays were better than his grade 11 ones. He was one of the very few teachers that were happy to have me in their class and who liked my smartness and my hand in the air.
But this year I changed. I became more rebellious to my teachers and to school in general. I don’t know if it’s puberty kicking in late. The first month of term or so I was the way I always was: high expectations, lots of questions, happy to gain some more knowledge.
But then I realized that I would only be punished for it. My English teacher told me my essays were bad and even he couldn’t understand what I was trying to say. He also made me look bad in front of the whole class because I made a simple mistake. Then there is my French teacher. For whatever reason she’s holding only like 10% of class in French and is doing stuff we already did in year 8 or year 7 just because some of my peers still can’t do it. I get so exasperated im her class.
About a week ago we did a group play. The dialogue was about a topic we already spoke about a few years ago. I still had all arguments in my head. I was bored the whole day long and so I started to play a bit of drama, shouting at my group peers, putting some dramatical gestures to my arguments. My peers knew that I was only bored and that I tried to lift up everything and they even joined me, even if they weren’t as passionate about it as I was. But my teacher passed while I played excessive drama and asked why the heck we were acting like this. I told her that otherwise the assignment would be completely boring. She didn’t answer me at first, she only shrugged but stayed next to our table. I glanced at the clock and saw that there were only 2 or 3 minutes left till classes end. I asked her maybe a bit defiantly whether we could just go.
And then she got snippy and ranted about me having a bad attitude and poor work-ethics. I got…angry I guess. I was the best student in her class, I spoke French very well and here she was telling me I was lazy! I retorted that she is only holding class in French like 10 minutes out of 100 and we’re only doing grade 8 work. She didn’t answer after that and I just felt not only angry but also hurt. I was on the edge of crying. At 16 years, this shouldn’t happen, right? After having read your article I think it’s because of asynchronous development.
When the bell finally rang I made a mad dash for the door but she called me back. She told me that my attitude wasn’t okay blablabla I just told her what she wanted to hear so that I could leave before bursting into tears.
Any requests for a faster pace in any class got rejected. I feel so bored that I play games on my mobile phone every day under the desk. I don’t get so many As anymore because I don’t really study for a test. So I usually only get a B, and sometimes even a C.
I never got tested so there’s no proof about me being gifted. And most people doubt it. I’m terrible at maths which is the main reason (I only get a C or a B with real studying) People say I can’t be gifted if I’m struggling in a difficult subject like Maths. I always get belittled for my success in a so called “easy subject” like English or Music. And when I get an A in physics, it’s not because I’m smart or anything, but because of my teacher whose tests are very easy.
It just hurts so much you know.
Sometimes I want to be my grade 8 self again. I didn’t care about other people back then. But I can’t do this anymore.
Anyway it was just so comforting to read your article. Maybe you’ve got time to read my story and answer perhaps?
Also I am not a native English speaker. I think there aren’t any huge mistakes and everything should be understood easily. And if not I’m sorry.
My youngest son went through almost exactly what you are going through–so much of what you described hit directly home so I completely understand. Unfortunately, a lot of gifted kids experience these types of incidences in school. I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I do know how rough, frustrating and maddening it is, but please know you are not alone.
First, I am not qualified to offer advice–I can only tell you the information I know as a teacher, a mom of gifted kids and a gifted advocate.
It helps to read and inform yourself about giftedness so that you understand all the ins and outs of it. Also, please, please talk to your parents about this. Give them copies of articles that resonate with you to help them understand. The ideal scenario would be if your school, teachers, you and your parents work together to make sure your education meets your needs–you deserve that.
Check out my resources page for links to articles and websites on giftedness.
And don’t worry about your English–all of it was completely understood and clear. My husband’s first language is French and he is so conscious about his English–another thing I understand firsthand.
You seem pretty intuitive, intelligent and mature–take care of yourself and your needs–social, emotional and educational. If you need any other information or support, just ask right here.
All the best to you!
Thank you very much for your kind words. I spent the week researching giftedness and you were right, it helps. It feels good to read that there are people out there who understand and who went through the same.
But working with my school isn’t possible for now. When I tried to talk to my teachers about it last week they told me I’m condescending. Guess I just go back to playing video games under the desk and complaining about it in the internet… I’m trying not to feel hurt by the people around me but it’s not too easy.
Maybe it takes time or maybe I just need to grow up.
When I’m an adult, I’ll make sure that the future gifted kids will have an easier life. After having read quite a lot of your posts, I felt very inspired. Thank you for that.
Right now, I’m trying to stop focusing too much on the people around me but rather on myself. This might sound egoistic but I think I need it.
If you don’t mind my asking, and I hope you don’t think it’s rude or anything, what did your youngest son do when he went through a similar situation?
Anyway, for somebody who claims they are not qualified to give advice, you’re giving very good advice. Again thank you.
My youngest son’s teachers and principal kept telling me he was sarcastic–which is a trait of gifted people and their sense of humor–as though because he was sarcastic, he didn’t deserve an appropriate education. If you have a teacher telling you that you are condescending, does that mean you are less deserving of a challenging, appropriate education? Absolutely not! When I was a public school teacher, I had a few students who had violent and defiant behavior. Did I withhold their education from them? Should any teacher withhold a child’s education from them? We know the answer is NO.
Don’t give up on your teachers just yet. Sometimes people need to hear the same message many, many times to finally get it. Keep talking to your teachers. Keep giving them articles to read. The truth and the facts are on your side.
For my son, we pulled him out to homeschool him which helped, but his experiences still sting a bit for him. He knew he was different and he took each hurdle with as much strength and patience as he could. For my part, I started writing about the injustices doled out to gifted kids because teachers don’t understand them. It was my way to work through my anger at my son’s teachers so I wouldn’t dash off to beat them up or slash their tires.
I am so proud to hear that you intend to make future gifted kids’ lives easier!!! You are an inspiration! How about starting something now letting others know what it feels like to be a misunderstood gifted person? It can maybe help you feel empowered and not at the mercy of teachers who don’t understand! Let me know if I can help with that in any way! You will be helping future gifted kids and gifted peers while also focusing on helping yourself–win/win!
I have a hunch you are going to be a force to be reckoned with in the future–in a very good way! Stay in touch and let me know if I can help!
Thank you very much for sharing your youngest son’s story. Homeschooling sounds like an awesome idea for gifted kids. You guys can be so lucky it’s easy and not restricted in your country.
So much has to be done when it comes to education. It’s terrible that the world still doesn’t help the ones with differences. I mean people distinguish between differences. It seems like it’s okay to be struggling in school, but bad to be curious or to be faster than the rest etc.
My school e.g. has tons of groups and help for the students who need tutoring and are struggling in certain subjects.
But there is not one group for the few students who need acceleration, who want to go deeper into a certain topic and do anything that gifted children need. And the principal forbids students opening up new clubs/groups.
I can totally understand why you and your son were angry. And seriously what should be wrong with being sarcastic, I think it’s quite enjoyable.
Writing is my way of coping, too. It’s an awesome possibility of turning emotions into real products. I usually dive into songwriting and story-writing.
I kinda thought about writing a fictional road-trip book about two gifted students who steal a teacher’s car -at first because they wanted something to eat during school- but at last decide to not come back and travel the country. But this will take some more time. Also, the plot’s not exactly existing right now, just bits of ideas here and there…
I liked your idea of starting something now very much, thank you for that. I’m thinking of setting up a Twitter account for gifted students. I can tell others how I feel, provide them with a platform for discussion and link to helpful sites. This way I learn more and others do as well. And not only students can benefit, but also parents and teachers. But I am not exactly sure yet if I should do it in English or in my mother tongue.
Well, thank you for offering your help that readily and for your very kind words. This all here is helping me a lot.
Oh wait! I SO want to read your book about those two gifted kids stealing their teacher’s car and traveling the country! That would be outstanding! You have got to write that book ’cause I’ll be the first to buy your book!
Also, if you start a Twitter or any social media account for gifted students, which is a great idea, let me know and I will promote it on my Twitter account and my Crushing Tall Poppies Facebook page! If your principal won’t allow any new groups, social media may be the best way to go. Maybe you could start one in each language?
And yeah, I loved my son’s sarcasm because it was quite humorous. My oldest son has an excellent dry wit and comes out with some real zingers, too.
You know, I think you’ve got this. I know I’ll be seeing big things from you!
Let me know if I can do anything to help! <3
Hi!
I know it’s been some time but I just hope you still wanna talk.
Some of my teachers left as the second term started here. My oh-so wonderful french teacher had to leave and my current one isn’t much better but still a slight improvement.
Surprisingly, my science teachers (Biology and Physics) defended me in front of the class twice when some students picked at me for asking too many questions.
In general, although everything’s still too easy and I’m totally bored, I think it’s starting to look up. Only my English teacher still doesn’t like me I guess. The last time we did some boring grammar lesson, my next-bench neighbor and I played an improvised game of chess (we used pens and rubbers etc for the pieces). It went fine for twenty minutes or so but then I cursed when my queen got taken while my teacher was standing too near. Yeah well, we really got in trouble for that one. But he seemed to have taken this as a hint and is now holding classes slightly faster.
Right now, I’m looking forward to the next school year when it’s really about graduating. Ever since 5th grade all teachers keep on telling me that the stuff I wanted to do back then will be done in during graduation, so I just wait and see.
I feel emotionally more stable since I’ve first written to you. This is why I was contemplating if I should start this Twitter account for gifted students. And because in my head, so many things could go wrong…anyway I set one up in English today. That’s the link:
https://twitter.com/giftedunity
Maybe you and/or your kids want to check it out at some time. Or anyone else that might be reading this.
It might not be totally for me anymore but for all the many gifted kids out there that feel as lonely and misunderstood as I did a few months ago. Company helps. Even if it’s just some people from the internet. In some places in this world, the internet is the only way to find like-minded peers.
After all, I need to thank you for all the support. Please never stop advocating for us. We need you, and everyone around us that is not gifted needs people like you as well. You do an awesome job.
You are so very welcome, and thank you for all of your kind words. My life’s calling seems to be advocating for gifted kids like you!
I am SO HAPPY that you are feeling a bit better. And I laughed when I read about your in-class makeshift chess game! Pretty innovative!
I shared your Twitter account on my Twitter account and on my Crushing Tall Poppies Facebook page. To keep it going, make sure you tweet several times a day–your thoughts, little stories about things like your makeshift chess game, and articles that you find interesting. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it!
Please, please keep in touch! I am always here ready to talk or help you out! I can’t wait to see how far you go with this Twitter account and everything else you endeavor to do!
All the best!!
Celi
Thank you so much for your blog! I have always known my child was exceptionally bright but his principal recently confirmed my assertation. She suggested I start researching the Gifted Child and I stumbled upon this! About a year ago we started therapy because I just could not figure out why he was so defiant and not “acting his age”…Your blog brings clarity to why he acts the way he does! It brings me such relief to know my child is “normal” and now I can start to learn how to parent my wonderfully gifted child! Thank you again!
You are welcome! Yes, your child is normal, perfectly normal, his normal, and his normal is “wonderfully gifted!”
Thank you, Colleen! <3
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I needed this today. I had to under-arm my 6 year old (PG) son out of a Robotics lecture. He sat for the lecture perfectly, and asked intelligent and thought provoking questions. He seemed so mature during the lecture part. And them came the hands-on part… Alas, his 6 year old self simply could not wait in line to try out the robots! Major melt down!!
Oh Caitie, and it doesn’t get any easier just because they may be older! Just a bit of a warning, lol! Thanks for sharing your asynchrony story!