Crushing Tall PoppiesI’m Coming Out As Gifted
I got it, but now I get it.
I did.
I got gifted.
I have always understood you, all of you glorious gifted people. And I supported you, and I felt your struggles, and I loved you. You likely know that because you’ve read my articles, and maybe my book. Or you’ve connected with me through my website or on Twitter or Facebook, right? But now, I really get it.
I’m coming out. At 61-years old, I’m coming out—as gifted.
I bet I can guess what you are wondering right now: “What are you are saying, Celi? I know that you always understood me.” Here’s what I am saying…
Nope, I never claimed to be gifted. I never believed I was gifted. I understood giftedness because I have three gifted sons and a gifted husband. I saw myself as a supporter of all of you beautifully-special people—I was on the outside looking in, but looking in with my hand and heart outstretched to all of you. Because I got you, I understood you, I supported you, and I loved you.
This coming out? I won’t lie, it’s been a hellish process for me. At times, I was sure I wouldn’t make it through. Positive disintegration is an intensely emotional and cognitive war within oneself.
Since early childhood, I had stayed small, I conformed, and I forced myself into that box once I realized that my intensities, my wild imagination, my love affair with trees, rocks, mud and nature, the long afternoons spent talking to flowers, my exuberance, and my plain old quirkiness were unappreciated and undesirable—they were even shunned. I triumphed, though. I did. I pounded the square peg that I was into the round hole where I was expected to be. I was there, in the round hole, as expected. And I was there for decades.
Now, I’m out.
And it is terrifying. It’s raw and unfamiliar. It’s terribly uncomfortable. I’m lurching on an unpredictable emotional roller coaster. Walking through a pitch-black haunted house with scary things jumping out at me unexpectedly. And I’m not in control. Not in control of these changes.
I’m not merely riding waves, I’m trying to dodge the tsunami threatening to take me under. My head is still above water, but darn if there aren’t threatening tidal waves waiting to slam me at every turn. Positive Disintegration.
Being Misunderstood
Though I feel I am still not entirely on the other side of this, I am experiencing the intense emotions which come from knowing I am not, as this new person, understood. I was once understood, when I twisted myself into a pretzel to conform and fit in. Now, I’m not. That hurts the most. It feels as though I’m standing at the top of the highest mountain, screaming at the top of my lungs, “This is who I am now. I’m gifted. Please try to understand the new me!”
My voice only echoes back—Undeliverable. Returned to Sender.
I feel the heartache now in my own chest that I knew you experienced as a gifted person who struggled in a world who misunderstood you. And we both know how prevalently giftedness is misunderstood. That part is almost understandable; giftedness is rare. So rare, that teachers, physicians, and therapists may come across only a few in their decades-long careers; and then they likely overlook the giftedness sitting right in front of them. Or even misunderstand that giftedness. I’m feeling now your pain; that painful realization that we are often standing alone, on top of that mountain, screaming. At least that is how it feels to me right now. Does it feel that way to you?
The Positives in Positive Disintegration
Aside from the pain which I can’t dismiss or diminish—it completely slays me, damnit—there have been some positives. With each blow that knocked me out, with each tornado that sent me reeling, I was pummeled, rocked, twisted, and catapulted. I’ve grieved, cried, screamed, and spun out of control.
But, each time, I’ve gotten back up and discovered I had been bestowed a new superpower: my voice—louder, more confident, and more cogent; my cognition—more energized, more focused and more effective; my heart—more intensely emotional, more sensitive, more empathetic and compassionate, and much more altruistic. The silver linings in the positively disintegrating cloud.
Why After All These Years?
I have no answer for that. Maybe I did a heroic job of staying small and conforming? Perhaps it was more comfortable fitting in than this feeling of existing on a different planet in a different universe. I can say that this process of positive disintegration is involuntary and resists my attempts at control. I never saw it coming, I never asked for it, and I never, ever thought of myself as being gifted. It just found me, caught me off guard; it blindsided me.
So, I’m coming out. I’m coming out of that box of societal expectations I lived in for decades. I’m fighting the urge to pound my squareness back into the familiar round hole where I existed for most of my life. But, I hope it is too late to go back because I’m out now and I need to be me.
I’m out of the box.
I’m out of the round hole.
I’m out.
Good for you, Celi. I can tell you it feels good to get out of that box, although I will admit, it can be tough. You beat me; I’m a septuagenarian.
Yay, at least I’m not the only late-bloomer! And good for you!! Better late than never!
But it is tough, tougher than one would think!
Thank you, Melvin!
Welcome to the club. You fit here:)
Aww, thank you for the sweet welcome! I guess I was here all along, but didn’t realize it or accept it.
Are you familiar with Brene Brown’s work? O think you might like it. https://twitter.com/RachelGarthe/status/1128314675001565184?s=19
Especially her book Gifts of Imperfection. Thanks for being vulnerable. Powerful post
Thanks for your sweet words!
Really??? But…we all knew! <3
Then you should have fricking told me! 😉
Celi, people have been telling you how very, very smart you are. The problem is, you didn’t want to acknowledge something obvious to your loyal fans (without my being an obsessive stalker, none moreso than me), who have known for literally years that you are intensely intelligent. Wake up and smell the coffee, already!
Yeah, yeah, John, I hear ya! 😉
I suspected it was there but it was easier to hide it or disguise it or stay in denial about it–or just not mention it at all. That’s what many of us gifted adults tend to do: “My kid is gifted, but I don’t think I am.”
Thank you for believing in me for so long even when I didn’t sometimes! <3
~~Celi
What the hey??? You are one of the ones who convinced ME, Celi! You got it before ANYONE ELSE I ever read that my son was gifted. LOL
You have me laughing and amazed.
Go buy yourself a copy of The Gifted Adult by Jacobsen and laugh and cry.
It’s about freaking time, lady! <3
Lisa!
I have the Gifted Adult, but I never read it–that may be the problem! 😉
~~Celi
My child was identified as highly gifted a couple of years ago and I came across your blog when I was searching for a way to make his teachers understand what he needs. Through my research and quest to understand my child and his unique needs, I began to discover that I, too, am gifted. It is liberating. Thank you for your blog and understanding of the unique needs of the gifted.
JK, you are more than welcome.
The only intent I had for my blog was to help those who are on the same bumpy journey I am on and to help them see they are not alone–there are people out there who do understand!
Thank you for your words of validation! <3 ~Celi
Celi,
I’ve just discovered your blog. You are doing fantastic work for the high-IQ community, of which you have clearly been a member for some time. So glad to hear about your recent experience of self-discovery. My deepest congratulations on your courage. Keep burning.
Thank you so very much, Teo, for your beautiful words of encouragement! <3
Has anybody yet told you that this is like when a super-gay kid says he wants to have a serious discussion with his parents and says he thinks he… might… be… gay! and they just laugh, because it’s like he’s the last one to figure it out?
So anyway, yeah, we already knew that. Or congratulations. Or welcome aboard.
And now you’ve gotten me reading up about Dabrowski. Thanks. I was familiar with the idea of overexcitabilities, but not with positive disintegration. Any contemporary books you recommend? Or is the original still the best source?
Thanks for the congratulations!
I’d recommend Michael Piechowski’s books, Mellow Out: They Say, If Only I Could and Living With Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and the Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults.
The Theory of Positive Disintegration is quite interesting and very much misunderstood. Dr. Christiane Wells is carrying on the research and work of Dabrowski and Piechowski. Here’s her website with information about the Theory of Positive Disintegration (TPD).
Hope this information helps! ~~Celi
It took me 1 year to ‘reset’, when I discovered.
I lost family and friends. Almost all of them.
But how happy I was! And full of energy I am now!
I met other gifted creatures and made some great new friends.
It is lonely. Future generations need to find each other. So I made it one of my life goals to have gifted kids meet and connect.
Everyone needs a tribe. Ours is just harder to find.
Don’t be afraid, take the reset year. I remember I was exhausted that year. You will feel so great when you are settled in.
Thank you so much for your advice! It is much needed, and the fear of losing family and friends is real, and you are absolutely right, our tribe is difficult to find.
I will take the next year one day at a time! So grateful for your advice, Marlies! <3
Welcome to the club! (And I say that without facetiousness.) Glad to hear. 🙂 Good news!
Thank you! And I know you said it in the most thoughtful way possible ❤️
Celi, what a beautiful post and good for you!!! Keep us posted on your journey, it is always wonderful to find who we are (I am still looking!) so I am eager to see your journey.
Aww, Agnes, thank you so much for your encouraging and kind words. They mean the world to me! <3
I knew you were gifted. You have a wild imagination and it comes through in your descriptive and emersive writing. Welcome!
Lynda,
Thank you!
I’m happy to hear that my writing betrayed my giftedness!
Thanks for your validating words! ~~Celi
No doubt for me you are gifted, it is so obvious 😃
Thanks, Marlies! My giftedness being obvious could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how one perceives giftedness! 😉
We hear your mountain top screaming and we get it. We accept you – the old you and the new you and any other version of you that may come in the future. And we thank you – for all you do for our gifted children and now us gifted “imposter” women. Keep going on your journey of becoming your wonderful true self.
Oh Jo, you have touched my heart so deeply with your words of encouragement. You will never know how appreciative I am for your words of validation, and thank you for hearing me!
Yes, there are too many of us gifted “imposter” women–a G/T teacher just left a comment on my Crushing Tall Poppies Facebook page saying the same thing.
Thank you so much for your kind words! ~~Celi
One other thing, Celi; as I have told you before, you’ve been my Rock throughout my recent (2010-2013) struggles. It’s been your bravery, your outspokenness and your empathy that has carried not just me, but many others who’ve stumbled across your blog, through some pretty dark times. You have a great deal to be proud of, including the tremendous affection so many of us (I am sure I speak for many commenters) have for you.
John,
Thank you! Your words are so thoughtful and so very, very kind. You’ve given me the validation I so need right now!
So much appreciation to you for being one of my most dedicated followers and someone I consider a friend!
~~Celi
You are always welcome and I am very glad to be your friend and to consider you one of my friends.
It’s mutual, John <3
Good for you for recognizing something that in all the time I’ve known you (such as it is, since we’ve never met face-to-face), I’ve always thought you had to be gifted, given that you have two gifted sons and managed to attract a gifted spouse. Assortative mating explains the latter, which implies that you’re gifted; and the latter is a result of genetics. An average IQ person and a gifted person is, all other things being equal, not likely to produce ONE gifted child, let alone two. The evidence has been there all along, Celi, it’s just that you, for whatever reason, didn’t see that evidence, till now, in your late middle-aged years (I think that senior-citizenship now starts around 70, given the medical and lifespan advances we’ve seen int he last 50 or so years).
It’s tough to come to such a recognition. For me, having grown up this way, I’ve always been that square peg trying to fit into a round-hole world. I went through a personal crisis from late 2010 till 2013 or so (note to those who’ve not read my comments before: I was dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who was horrified to discover that I was a ‘Genius’ by IQ, as opposed to the basis for his genius, i.e., by reason of his existence; since he exists, he must be a genius. He made his sister harass me for nearly three years, in an vain effort to force me to surrender my “genius” status and give it to him, since he deserved it and I didn’t). And though i went through that, I came out the other side stronger and with a better appreciation of the fact of my having an IQ 4 standard deviations above average. Unfortunately, I also saw the disadvantages, that giftedness is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
That’s what you’re discovering now too, Celi. I know you agree with me that the term “gifted” is a very poor choice of wording. As I said, giftedness is a curse as well as a blessing. Much of the curse part is due to being misunderstood. That’s what you are coming to terms with; why you’ve been misunderstood for so long, and why, for so long, you attempted to fit in, to be a, you should pardon the expression, “good girl” when you were younger, and a proper, normal adult as a woman.
I am pleased to see you coming to terms with something that was, to me at least, so blatantly evident. I wish you all the best in learning how to make your perception of reality fit what is really true about you, but which you’ve sidelined for too long. All strength to you, Celi. It’s a struggle but well worth the effort. And if I may take a page out of your book, so to speak, perhaps you should consider finding a counsellor/therapist who specializes in dealing with gifted adults?
Best of luck; I wish you very well.
John,
It’s so difficult to put into words how much your thoughts, insights and dedication mean to me. I will forever be grateful for all of your comments you’ve put so much thought and time into. You’ve given us all reason to stop, think and rethink our ideas about giftedness!
“Much of the curse part is due to being misunderstood. That’s what you are coming to terms with; why you’ve been misunderstood for so long, and why, for so long, you attempted to fit in, to be a, you should pardon the expression, “good girl” when you were younger, and a proper, normal adult as a woman.” <—- You really hit the nail on the head here. This is the most painful part of being gifted—the helplessness one feels trying to get others to understand one’s giftedness. It’s the most agonizing part of it all. My thanks and my heart go out to you, John! <3 ~~Celi
Celi – thank goodness you’ve found your giftedness! I’m having a difficult time responding to this, mostly because I’m having a hard time breaking through the wall, like you have. It’s tough – being raised to be humble. I have come to realize that I’m gifted, but I can’t make that known amongst my friends. Some of them already judge my daughter for it, and treat her like she’s a “freak.” And I’ve always been the square peg. Forever. Let’s hope we can all, ultimately, find our peeps.
Mary,
You know you are not alone, I’m right there with you—both of us on such similar journeys. Yes, it’s the fear of being judged that is so terrifying about admitting to being gifted! I DO understand! <3
Sincerely,
Celi
Celi, I knew this about you when we trained you at the SENG workshop in Iowa years ago. Your questions, your insights, and your foray into sel-discovery was vibrant and revealing. Congratulations on discovering and celebrating your true self.
Oh my gosh, Jackie! You remember that? That training was three or four years ago. I’m so honored and humbled!
Your words have truly touched my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. <3 How thoughtful of you--I needed to hear those validating words!
And my thanks to you and your husband for all you both do to promote the understanding of the educational, social and emotional needs of our gifted children!
My love to you,
Celi
Celi,
It was so interesting to read this post because I always assumed you were gifted. It never crossed my mind that you weren’t in the interactions we’ve had online and reading your blog.
I’m glad you are discovering your freedom to be who you have been all along!
Sallie
Sally,
Thank you! Your words are so truly meaningful to hear–I needed that validation! <3
So much appreciation and love,
Celi
I am so glad that there is more awareness towards the gifted! I’m gifted, and my teachers are amazed by me. They thought that I was getting enrichment outside of school, but… Nope! Apparently I’m at a college level in all of my classes… Well… That’s interesting! My science teacher doesn’t know as much microbiology as I do! I’m so glad that you realized that you are gifted! I was told via IQ test. Well, that is all. 🙂
Hi Toby,
In my day, there was no gifted/IQ testing, but our educational system had much more latitude to individualize our learning. I was accelerated, but no one ever made a big deal about it.
I hope you continue to embrace your giftedness, and thank you for your insightful and kind words!
~~Celi
Congratulations! Perhaps if more of us come out, we will have more clout in the educational system that sadly ignores our best and brightest.
Thank you!
And yes, let’s start a gifted girl’s and women’s movement!
#GirlPower <3
Celi, Beautiful and brave post. So glad you are discovering your true self. The signs were there – you just had to recognize them. Maybe you are starting a movement that supports others who have not realized who they are. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Gail! You’ve been an inspiration to me.
I have had a lot of loving and caring support to get me to where I am right now–accepting and embracing my intensities and my overwhelming emotions. I couldn’t have survived this alone.
Thank you for your wonderful, impactful voice in our gifted community! <3
I just discovered too. I never thought about it, until I discovered my children are. Then I saw that I fit the checklist too, but imposter syndrome. Then, just last month (44 years), I found a crumpled up note in my old scrap book from my 3rd grade teacher to my mom, and there I saw my scores. Throughout life, I knew things came easy, but in a way it was disappointing. Those that worked harder seem to enjoy the victory more. For me it was more of an “ok, next,” type feeling. I was told I was too sensitive, too analytical, too serious, asked too many questions etc. I too learned to fit in, but oddly never felt like I truly fit in.
Imposter syndrome will slay us women all too easily. I’ve fallen victim to it–all. the. time.
Embrace your giftedness, your sensitivities and your intensities! Live your giftedness out loud! ~~Celi
Well done. Be grand!
Thank you, Kevin!
I certainly will take your advice–Be grand, indeed!
Thanks so much,
Celi
Hi Celi,
What a beautiful post .I congratulate you for coming out .I am in the process of coming out and I have been told numerous times that I am gifted ! Woah! Me ? I thought I was stupid because I didn’t seem to have ‘got the how to live ‘ memo!
I was brutally rejected and abused for my sharp insights and so called quirks .I am riding the wave of positive disintegration but it’s getting better .I am currently struggling with letting go of the life that I had created in order to belong ! That’s the hardest bit for me .Who am I going to become ? Will I be loved ?
I am 54 by the way and the sad thing is that I have been gifted all my life , only it was labelled bad, weird, strange etc by my nearest and dearest.Is it any wonder I am fighting against it !
Thank you for posting
My heart is screaming a huge, “Thank You!” for sharing your story.
Coming out as gifted truly is both a frightening and exhilarating experience, and like you, I also wonder about the new me being accepted and loved. I’m so painfully aware of being misunderstood now—I believe that hurts the most.
You’ve made me feel less alone! My heart and soul go out to you, and I wish for you a safe and happy journey on your coming out <3 <3 <3
~~Celi
A huge thank you to you for bravely opening up this way .You are definitely not alone .There are many others who are sadly in the closest.I am sure that your sharing will liberate a lot of people .Much love and appreciation to you 💕
Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness.
I never thought my coming out could liberate other gifted people, but if it does, then it would be worth my opening up and allowing myself to be so publicly vulnerable.
Many, many thanks,
Celi
I heard Chuck Swindoll give a sermon in the late 1980s. He said he felt sorry for “gifted women” because of all groups of people, they have the most difficulty in life. Maybe you could ask him why he said that? Or Jimmy Carter?
Many traditional and conservative women have been herded into the same capsizing boat, I imagine.
“herded into the same capsizing boat, I imagine.” <—- That surely is what it feels like. And it is a rough road for gifted women because so often, way too often, society admires strong men, but deems strong women as bitches. It’s a near-impossible balancing act. Thank you, Nicolette! <3 <3 <3
Traditional, conservative gifted Christian women are my tribe. These are the worlds I know and, frankly, the worlds I am most at home in. We do face our own unique set of challenges, but I think gifted women face challenges no matter where they are.
I will have to see if I can find that Chuck Swindoll quote!
YES, YES, YES!!! I’m so happy for you, Celi. This coming out sounds so painful but so important. It’s wonderful that you’re finding your voice. Finding your giftedness! Welcome, home, Celi. Home to your true self. Home to your giftedness!
Paula,
You leave me speechless and all I can eek out through the tears is, “I love you!” Thank you for welcoming me home! <3 <3 <3
And yes, I’ll be taking you up on the Kickstarter consultation, and likely more.
~~Celi