Crushing Tall PoppiesWhen You Shut Down a Gifted Child, You Might Just Shut Down a Gifted Child—For Good
How and why did you come up with this particular design?
He raised his hand and answered the question posed by the robotics competition judge.
Who designed this component? How many times do you think you had to change it before you finalized that design?
He was the only one to raise his hand, and so he answered.
How did you test your designs?
Again, he answered.
Which attachments are most challenging to put on and/or take off?
He threw up his hand because he designed the attachments, and he knew the answer; he answered.
What was the most significant design difficulty you encountered? How did you solve that problem?
Oh, he definitely knew this one, and his hand was the only one waving in the air like a castaway on a deserted island flagging down a possible rescue ship. He was not allowed to answer.
Pointing at my son, the judge said, Okay, we know you know all the answers, but you need to give the rest of your team a chance. Keep your hand down. Does anyone else on the team know the answers to these questions besides him?
My son’s face laid bare the raw emotions he felt inside after a robotics competition judge shut him down during a question and answer session about his team’s robot design. For the rest of that day’s competition, my son was disengaged; he had shut down. The ill-considered, curt words of the competition judge humiliated him in front of his teammates and sent him a clear message: knowing all the answers is not an acceptable nor a positive behavior.
Why Does This Happen?
Early in their education, before learning at their own pace and in their own unique way becomes a conflict in the classroom, gifted children enthusiastically want to share what they know, and they often know a lot. The intellectual development of a gifted child is more advanced than that of their same-age peers. Their precociousness—their wealth of knowledge, vast vocabulary, and depth of comprehension—is often the first sign that leads parents and teachers to presume the child is gifted. While a gifted child’s intellect is beyond that of their peers, their emotional development may lag behind. We call this asynchronous development.
This asynchronicity can present itself in the classroom as a gifted child who raises his hand to answer every question and usually correctly but is not yet emotionally mature enough to understand that his classmates may not be as intellectually advanced as he is. A gifted child is incapable of determining what his classmates do and do not know—he likely believes every child in his class has the same level of knowledge. And isn’t that the premise for which grade levels are based in traditional school—that every child of the same age should be at the same intellectual, educational, social, and emotional developmental level?
Also, because of their advanced intellectual abilities and tireless pursuit of knowledge, gifted children tend to delve more deeply into what they are learning. They comprehend new information quickly and make the complex connections between all the bits of knowledge they have attained which leads to a litany of questions for their teacher. These can be profound questions for which their teachers may not have answers for. The barrage of unanswerable questions understandably causes frustration for both the teacher and the gifted child.
Is This Common?
Recently, I was reminded of the times when my gifted children were shut down, told by their teachers they should no longer ask or answer any more questions, or they were asked to tone down their intensity. It was not only hurtful and discouraging for my children, but their teachers were annoyed by my children’s zealousness. I posted my concern for this scenario on my website’s public Facebook page and received over a hundred comments—parents sharing their heartfelt stories when their gifted children were shut down in school. Honestly, I was not expecting this to be such a common experience for gifted children. What was most surprising was that for gifted young adults in college, this continued to be an issue. The emotional and educational toll on these gifted students who were shut down in school was not unexpected; it was regrettably predictable.
We all know teachers have more responsibility than they should, and an overzealous gifted child who always seems to have his hand waving in the air as though there is an emergency, only to ask or answer a question, can be exasperating. A weary teacher on an unforgiving classroom schedule will understandably need to manage this recurrent disruption from the gifted students in his class. It is how this disruption is handled that is crucial.
When you shut down a gifted child,
you might just shut down a gifted child—for good.
What Happens When a Gifted Child is Shut Down in the Classroom?
For my highly-sensitive, intensely-emotional eleven-year-old, the apparent solution to never being called out again and humiliated for answering too many questions was to dumb down and disengage, thus dodging another shaming situation. When any child receives the message that her current behavior is unwanted and unacceptable, then the natural reaction is to discontinue that behavior. When a gifted child, full of passion about a topic, understands her enthusiastic behavior causes a negative response from her teacher, not only will she likely stop the behavior, but she may also disengage from her learning. Hating school and losing her love for learning then become real possibilities.
Shaming any child damages their self-esteem, delivers a significant blow to their self-confidence, and impacts their motivation to succeed in school. Once shut down and shamed, avoiding any display of their exhilaration for learning becomes the only path forward for many gifted students. Disengagement, loss of motivation, avoidance, refusal to take risks—all can lead to underachievement, turning to negative behaviors, falling grades, dropping out of school, and emotional and mental health repercussions. Of course, any child or young adult who has been shamed for engaging too eagerly in class or told his excitement for learning is disruptive and negatively impacts the rest of his classmates will discontinue his participation in his education.
What Happens When a Gifted Child’s Zeal for Learning is Shut Down?
Once a gifted student loses interest in learning and detests school, it is often difficult to turn things around. It can be done, but with substantial therapy, guidance, and continuous advocacy for the gifted student. Underachievement among gifted students is not uncommon, and reversing it is said to be difficult. It is heartbreaking for a parent to see their gifted child, who once was so passionate about learning, give up on their education. The gifted child’s parents then grieve for their child’s now-absent passion for knowledge and their unfulfilled potential. Even worse is when these gifted children who once experienced a love for learning turn away from their education, drop out and turn to delinquent or criminal behavior.
Unfortunately, undesirable consequences are not only related to a gifted student’s education. Emotional and mental health issues materialize as a result of a gifted child being shut down and shamed in school. Gifted individuals seem to be more prone to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems that stem from their extraordinary cognitive function. Perfectionism, intense emotions, and extreme sensitivity, all common traits among gifted individuals, can exacerbate gifted individuals’ reactions to negative stimuli such as being shut down and shamed for the way they approach learning. Resulting psychological consequences such as depression, panic disorder, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and even suicide, are often seen as a result of a gifted student’s reaction to being shamed, shut down for something so meaningful to them—their fervent pursuit of knowledge.
What Can We Do?
Understanding that gifted children can become overexcitable and hyper-focused when learning about topics for which they are intensely interested in is a start. Educators need to be trained to recognize and appropriately address the unique emotional and educational needs of gifted children, as well as their extraordinary enthusiasm for learning. Being conscious that gifted children can approach their education in atypical and intensely emotional ways can help educators be more considerate when managing these behaviors in the classroom. Teachers have quite a task maintaining discipline in their classrooms. Still, an understanding that the gifted child in her classroom whose zest for learning is distracting is also extremely sensitive will help her handle the situation without shaming or shutting down the child. Being aware of the extraordinary emotional and educational characteristics of gifted children can help teachers prevent any hurtful and even devastating effects when a gifted child’s behavior needs to be managed.
Instead of asking a gifted child in front of his classmates to stop asking questions, talk to the child in private, and explain carefully and clearly why his behavior needs to be adjusted. Devising alternative ways for a gifted child to express his excitement for learning and sharing his knowledge can be the ideal accommodation, especially if the gifted child is a partner in creating the arrangement. Lastly, partnering with the gifted child’s parents in achieving the goal of managing the child’s enthusiasm while preserving her passion for learning can effectively secure the desired outcome—a classroom full of engaged learners.
I’m not a parent, but a thirty-something who grapples with being a silenced gifted child decades later. I grew up in a working class family where giftedness was stigmatized. It wasn’t until much later in life I remembered receiving letters inviting me to special gifted schools—I was so eager as a young child, I’d open all our family’s mail and remember the invitations. The earliest I remember was 2nd grade but I believe it started in kindergarten, as my standardized test results were high and my performance at school made me a candidate for gifted schooling. My parents never attended college. They thought gifted schools would teach me nothing of value, things like “underwater basket weaving” they’d say. My sister shamed me by calling me “genius,” which led me to turn inward and lose confidence in my intelligence and who was. While I ended up being a relatively well adjusted adult, I mourn the potential for who I could have been. Though my test results were off the charts, I had a hard time emotionally at public school and at home and was often reprimanded for talking too much, crying, and generally being “too much.” This led me to turn inward and experience great deals of shame that I’m still trying to undo today. I remember the time period where I no longer raised my hand because I felt the shame of being a know it all. I felt this shame perhaps even more intensely as a girl. I want to be a mom, and hope I can give my children an environment where they don’t feel ashamed for who they are.
I mourn with you. It is such a tragedy when gifted children are not identified, recognized and cherished for who they are. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your future children will be so lucky to have you as their mom because you will be aware of their giftedness and celebrate them for who they are.
All the best to you <3 ~Celi
Hi. I’m not an adult, but I am a gifted child and i now a lot of people like me have been through that including my closest friend.
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Thank you for posting. I felt as if I knew exactly where the story was heading ….sadly, I could’ve written almost the same story. It’s been 4 years since my daughter’s 5th grade teacher crushed her spirits and punished her for asking questions and finishing work ahead of time. It’s been a rough road to sell her on school since. It’s lonely too as not many people understand this scenario. We have made progress and thankfully I’ve learned about gifted learners as a parent so I can protect her and encourage her. Sometimes you can’t rely on teachers … some just don’t understand.
Stacy,
It always brings tears to my eyes and my heart crumbles into pieces when I read about our gifted children suffering simply because they were born gifted. School tends to cause the most trouble for our gifted children, but I’ll have to disagree with you on one point: As a former public school teacher, I don’t believe that “some” teachers don’t understand gifted children; I believe most teachers don’t understand gifted children and this is what I have seen as a public school teacher, advocate for my gifted children, and as a member of the gifted community as a writer and advocate. Even gifted educators may not understand our gifted children because the focus of too many gifted education programs is on high-achieving students, not necessarily gifted students and especially not 2e students. We have such a mountain to move to get educators to understand the educational, social, and emotional needs of our gifted children.
Keep advocating for your daughter and encouraging her like you have been! She is lucky to have you in her corner. We all know it’s not her though, it’s “them.”
I wish for your journey to be a good one!
~~Celi
I can relate very much with this with my oldest son—his enthusiasm was always “too much” and he was always crushed he couldn’t answer all the questions simply for the joy of knowledge. Teachers have not always kindly suppressed him. But my other son is in the other end—still very enthusiastic and full of zest (too much of course!) but he has a slow processing speed and I have seen his brother’s quickness erode his self-confidence day after day. He is just as smart and interesting but he can’t get a word in edgewise. I know you are asking teachers to just be sensitive and work with parents at home to help those kids think about the other kids in the classroom and I totally agree—it is important not just because it is polite and considerate but because they can actually be damaging someone else’s feelings too. The slow processor might be shutting down and giving up because they can’t be fast enough to answer a question successfully. Thanks for bringing this topic to the front.
It is a tough balance for teachers to be fair to all students when there are a wide-range of learning abilities in their classroom. For the gifted students who are eager to ask and answer questions, but the teacher needs to give other students an opportunity, there are many other ways to satisfy a gifted child’s enthusiasm for learning. There are also many ways for a teacher to accommodate a gifted child with slow processing speed. We all realize that teachers are overworked, but many children, not just gifted children are falling through the cracks when their education does not meet their needs. We all need to be strong and loud advocates for gifted education and education in general.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am still so amazed at how often this “shutting down” a gifted child happens in the classroom! I’m so sorry it happened to one of your sons.
This is all familiar to me. Based on my son’s experience, I might edit one of your sentences to say:
“This asynchronicity can present itself in the classroom as a gifted child who raises his hand to answer every question and usually correctly but is not yet emotionally mature enough to understand the importance of successfully integrating socially with classmates who may not be as intellectually advanced as he is.”
Public school was just awful for my son, both times he went. The snide way the teachers would shut down a kid (or a parent) who asked too many questions was unbearable. The piles of meaningless busywork, the refusal of advancement, the insults and threats, the name-calling. Obliviousness to social niceties sometimes comes along with profound giftedness. ASD, or SCD, are sometimes involved. And a kid might think being called “Sherlock” is nice – Sherlock Holmes is brilliant, isn’t he? – until the day he realizes they’re all doing it to make fun of him.
He’s doing much better in private school. The kids might be no smarter, but they’re kinder. And the teachers have the latitude to create their own curricula and the enthusiasm to provide differentiated instruction.
“Resulting psychological consequences such as depression, panic disorder, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and even suicide, are often seen as a result of a gifted student’s reaction to being shamed, shut down for something so meaningful to them—their fervent pursuit of knowledge.”
I feel like you’ve been reading my emails. Because this is the state of PTSD my son was left in after two years at our state’s “best” public school (which came nowhere near meeting his academic needs).
I may not have read your emails, but our emails were probably nearly identical. One of my sons was traumatized by a teacher who was bullying him and calling him names. To hear that it happens more than once, and actually often, breaks my heart. I cry at the thought of eager and innocent children who should find school a safe place, being bullied, name-called, and traumatized by teachers.
I am sad to hear your story, but I’m happy that you are sharing it so that we can all know we are not alone in this tragic experience. I’m so sorry this devastated your child and your family had to experience this—-I know all too well the mental repercussions resulting from children being traumatized at school.
I wish you all the best and that your son continues to thrive in his private school! <3
Thank you for this! As I look back at my son’s education experiences in his early public school years he has had great teachers and not so great ones. Unfortunately yes, I have seen first hand the long term affects of shutting gifted (honestly ANY AND ALL) kids down can have. My now sophomore is struggling with high school. He no longer has a passion for learning. I have seen him “dumb” himself down so that he doesn’t stick out. Teachers are in such a position of power, and I know are only human, but they MUST have the ability to build their students up, not tear them down. I got teary-eyed reading this and thinking back to my little elementary school boy. I’m praying his passion returns to him in the future.
I got teary-eyed reading your story because it is so heartbreaking seeing your child suffer and lose ground unnecessarily. And when they lose that excitement, that exhilaration for absorbing all the knowledge they possibly can——as a parent, it is so hard to watch it happen and see the effects from it.
I know one of my sons still refuses to talk about his giftedness—it is as though his giftedness a terrible secret he wants to hide from others at any cost. He was shut down way too often.
I’m sorry this happened to your son, but I do know with love, understanding, encouragement, and keeping the lines of communication open, his passion should return. College often seems to bring that love of learning back.
All the best to you <3 <3
~~Celi
Yes, this is exactly what happened to my son during a difficult transition year in 9th grade. He is now an under achieving, no self-esteem, struggling 11th grader. He has lost “ALL Trust” in any teacher, administrator, or therapist. As a parent, I should have removed him from public school. They have not cultivated or grown his passions or interests. Their answer is to have him graduate a year early. He used to LOVE learning, now he sees “what’s the point”. I hope we can rebuild him. He has so much to offer! His dad and I are trying to have him think about going to college to become a teacher or school counselor, so other gifted students do not experience what he has gone through. He can be that gifted student’s anchor, coach, and believer in all things possible!
I’ve had a shut down possibly gifted definitely spirited ADHD child, one of my own. His older sibling is quite gifted (possibly one of the 3 from the middle of that 5 gifted range book) I had homeschooled the eldest from 7th grade -12th because this one needed to be away from tons of noise and really needed to go at their own pace. Devouring each textbook one at a time instead of piecemeal.
My middle child I homeschooled off and on through the younger years and reading didn’t “click” until he was 12.
At some point in his first 9th grade, he just was so angry and frustrated he just would leave to go for a walk, during class. Yeah, there were discussions in meetings… he was eventually assigned a classroom in a hallway of a school. The hallway was rented by this other school (boces2 I believe), anyhow he was complying. One day his backpack was really puffy so I asked him about it, he told me it’s for when they watch movies in the afternoon. This way he could just lean his head down and have a nap. Hubby was like, “You can do this better” to me. We both, and all three knew it. So we brought him home because his school district wouldn’t bring him back until he could prove a certain period of compliance that would take him like 2/3 of the way through his 2nd 9th grade.
So we brought him home. Paperwork.
He was angry for a few years total, so he was already in therapy when we brought him home. His therapist was the Perfect dude for him to talk to/with. That squared away, we gave him space to rest and to get curious again. Some homeschoolers call it decompressing. He needed this. He was so shut down he just wasn’t interested in learning about anything.
NYS is one of the tougher states to homeschool in because of all the regulations. I handled the paperwork, hubby and I did the meetings (he had been a student with an IEP so that changed to an IESP (I think it’s called, “it’s been a minute” my son would say) we did C.A.T. Version of Yearly standardized testing, literally praying that he’d have made enough learning to get to the next grade level. It’s not a high bar, but that’s where he was at. Fortunately he had enough learning to show improvement year by year. His curiosity returned slowly, but it did return. We stacked classes so we could combine 11/12 grade together in one year. Passed those hurdles. He ‘graduated’ with a superintendents letter. Good enough.
He’s 21 now, working in a factory where he just got hired on from temp to permanent hire. Today he told me that one of his supervisors said he’s smart. He is in quality control now and running rings around other people there. We both still wonder if he’s gifted. I spoke on the phone years ago with Linda Silverman’s group Gifted Development about all three of my kids. The kind lady who we spoke to said If your worried that they might be gifted, chances are they are. (I think the shut down part happened quite a bit later than this call) I also think he was dealing with an undiagnosed case of Dyslexia (you know the school struggle was real with that) It’s getting better. My youngest who’s MHF ASD with diagnosed ADHD and a hidden LD (the diagnostician (respected PhD Psychologist) could “tease out” that all three were going on, but didn’t label the LD. After years of reading and the backstory of my middle child, I asked to get further tests to see where the reading difficulties were happening with my youngest (reading only started clicking last year, he’s now 15. His educational track is different than the majority of his age peers.)
This time they heard me. This time this cold is getting more specialized reading helps, and Boces2 job training in the mornings with now 10th grade special education classroom work in the afternoon. This child is making it through high school the way he needs to, and I am cautiously retired from homeschooling for now. It worked for what each of my two eldest needed. Some moms can homeschool high school, this set of everything though, I had to recognize that the level he needs of everything Im just not up for this time, and even if I could. What he gets now I could not duplicate with the same clearances this set of teachers have. So we all work together. Basically it’s what works for each kid, each year.
Every child is different and every gifted child is different; and they all need an education which meets their needs. If not, we, as a society, are failing our kids. But, since education does not receive the portion of taxes it should, our public school system operates on a shoestring, and a wing and a prayer.
I 100% agree —> ” The kind lady who we spoke to said If your worried that they might be gifted, chances are they are.” Too often, and I myself have fallen prey to this, we equate giftedness with achievement in school. And when our kids are 2e or 3e, they struggle to achieve and we believe they can’t possibly be gifted. Giftedness is not a function of education; it’s a lifelong condition, but our educational system has done such a great disservice to giftedness and our gifted kids.
It makes me so happy to hear your success story with each of your sons. Many families with gifted kids go back and forth through traditional school and homeschool. We just try to give them what fits best, year by year. You did an excellent job of meeting each of your gifted children’s educational needs! You should be so proud!
Thank you for sharing your story! It helps all of us see what can happen, but also what is possible! <3 <3
~~Celi
Once again, I feel your pain. My son, now in his 3rd year of homeschooling, is finally expressing his zeal for knowledge and learning. We found our tribe and he feels safe to share…he actually gets called on when he raises his hand. It has been a long process. Thankfully, he is being restored…just in time. He hit the teens 2 weeks ago! Can’t imagine unpacking that baggage now.
Hi Leanne!
I bet it has been a long road to “cure” him from the ills of traditional school and their inability to understand him. I am SO HAPPY to hear he feels safe within his tribe—that is the best situation possible. All the best to you and your family, Leanne!
Celi, thank you! Gifted kids who are silenced for being too much — too inquisitive, too excitable, too enthusiastic, too knowledgeable,etc. — can remain adults who mute their gifts…
Thank you, Jackie! You know so well the negative experiences our gifted children find themselves in at school, especially when they are misunderstood. Silencing any child by shaming them should never happen at the hands of a teacher, but shaming students in school by their teacher for expressing an above-average enthusiasm for learning just seems hypocritical.
Thank you for all that YOU do to support gifted children everywhere, Jackie!!